


All I want for Christmas

by Kati67



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Christmas Fluff, First Kiss, Johnlock Fluff, M/M, Romance, Sherlock Holmes and Feelings, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-19
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-05-07 16:35:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5463518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kati67/pseuds/Kati67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's almost Christmas and Sherlock is in a foul mood. Is it because of Christmas or is there something else on his mind?</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I want for Christmas

Sherlock was on the couch, pillow covering his face. He sighed; how much he hated this time of year he could not say. John had already decorated the tree and had complained that Sherlock hadn’t helped him. Of course he hadn’t; John knew very well he would be very glad when all of this nonsense would be over and done with. His parents had asked them to come over for Christmas diner but Sherlock had declined. He simply wasn’t in a Christmas spirit. He never was but it seemed to get worse each year. John however was very chipper Sherlock thought, hating the word as he thought it. John was making plans to go out with his latest girlfriend. Sherlock sighed again. That’s where the problem was, he thought; John and his string of endless girlfriends.

He was startled when his phone rang. He looked at the display; his brother again. Sherlock let it ring; ‘Not going to bother Mycroft’ he mumbled. His phone switched to voicemail and after a while he got a text message. Mycroft again texting; Dear brother, pick up your phone or I’m coming over right now.

‘Oh now I’m scared’ Sherlock said sarcastically but picked up his phone reluctantly when it rang. ‘Mycroft’ he sighed.

‘Sherlock, having one of your depressive episodes again are we?’ Mycroft snarled.

‘Right hanging up again, good bye Mycroft’ Sherlock wanted to push the off button but heard Mycroft say something so listened to what he had to say.

‘Sherlock I’m sorry’ he heard Mycroft say ‘it’s just mother is worried and asked me to call you because you don’t answer her calls’

Sherlock grimaced ‘Really’ he simply said.

‘Okay, I worry too. It isn’t just the Christmas thing is it’ he said all of a sudden.

‘What?’

‘You’ve been more down for months, Sherlock. Why?’

Sherlock held his breath. Good, his brother didn’t know. ‘You know me, Mycroft, it’s just my sunny disposition’

Mycroft was silent for a moment, thinking. ‘Okay’ he then said ‘promise me that you call me if there is more?’

‘Yes Mycroft’ Sherlock sighed.

‘And call mother please’

‘I will call mother, good bye Mycroft’

As soon as he put his phone away John walked in with his new girlfriend behind him.

‘Great’ Sherlock moaned ‘when you think that was all that could happen today…’

‘Sherlock, Amy and I just popped in for a change of clothes’ John grinned sheepishly ‘I’m out of your hair shortly’

‘John’ Sherlock’s face was like thunder ‘a word’

‘Yes?’

‘Why on earth have you put up a bloody tree when you’re not even here, to torment me?’

‘Ow… right, you mean I should stay here?’ John looked confused.

‘You should do what the hell you please stay, go whatever. You know what? I’ll just leave’ Sherlock pushed John aside, grabbed his phone, put on his Belstaff and scarf and slammed the door behind him leaving John baffled.

Outside Sherlock walked to St. James’ Park and even though it was late in the afternoon and it was starting to get dark soon he stood still in front of the duck pond staring into the darkening water. Maybe Mycroft was right; he was feeling down for months now. Perhaps even years; at first when John started living and working with him he was thrilled, well in a Sherlock kind of way that is. The more time they’d spend together the more content he felt, cautiously happy even. For him a first at least; he was never very expressive with his feelings. Not even with his family, always extremely careful about sharing. He didn’t know how he became the way he was so closed off to be honest, he just was. Some people accused him of being an emotionless person, cold even, but inside his feelings were raging.  
He stood there at the duck pond and closed his eyes for a moment. John… his John he always thought in his head, everything he ever did or had done was for John, to protect John. John however didn’t suspect a thing. He went on with his life, having one affair after another after divorcing Mary not knowing how he felt. Sherlock opened his eyes again and sighed deep. He felt restless and started to walk again. Darkness fell and fog started to creep up around him.  
He walked alongside the Thames with his hands in his pockets. His thoughts wandered around in his head and he didn’t like it. It’s the time of the year, he thought, it will get better after the holidays. Stupid Christmas, all he wanted for Christmas was John and he couldn’t get even that.  
He felt his phone vibrate and ignored it.  
‘I’m done with it all’ he whispered softly to himself and walked off into the night.

\--

‘He doesn’t pick up his phone’ John said with a worried face. ‘I’ll try calling Mycroft again’

‘You did that already’ his girlfriend Amy said ‘come on John, it will be fine, let’s go out of here’

John looked at her as if she’d gone crazy ‘Of course not, it’s Sherlock we’re talking about! I’m going to look for him, you go home, okay?’

‘If you go to look for that… that man’ she said ‘we’re done’

‘Fine by me’ John said pushing her out the door ‘bye Amy’ he said closing the door behind her. He heard her protesting while going down the stairs and then heard her slamming the door.

He waited 5 minutes before he followed her out the door to go look for Sherlock. He knew Sherlock, this wasn’t your ordinary ‘It’s because it’s Christmas’ depression. He looked for the general places where he thought Sherlock could be; St. James’ park to start with. Then he started walking along the Thames. London was a big place to hide but there were some places John knew Sherlock could be hiding.  
He walked to a nearby cemetery where he knew Sherlock liked to walk. He took his flashlight out of his pocket and switched it on. It was cold and the fog was all around him. The light kept bouncing back on the fog. John never liked cemeteries much after he’d been there too many times after Sherlock’s faked death. It still gave him the chills and all those feelings came rushing back. This was the very same cemetery as where Sherlock’s fake grave had been.

‘Sherlock’ John called out. ‘Sherlock, are you here?’

Sherlock stopped when he heard John calling his name and turned around slowly. John was here? He stood still and listened.

‘Sherlock, please show yourself, you know how this place makes me feel’ John really didn’t want to be here, this place gave him the creeps.

Sherlock looked at the place where his grave had been from behind a tree. He still could see John standing there talking to it. All those feelings came rushing back.

‘Sherlock’ John’s voice came closer now. ‘Bloody hell’ John cursed.

Sherlock hid behind the tree a bit more, he wasn’t sure he wanted John to find him yet.  
He saw John walking slowly towards the empty spot where the grave had been. He stopped in front of it, flashlight shining onto the empty place. In the shadows Sherlock saw John shaking his head and softly say; ‘You can’t keep doing this to me, it hurt like hell the first time you know. I don’t want to be here again’

‘Why come after me then if you knew I would be here?’ Sherlock said stepping away from the shadows of the tree.

‘You’re hurting’ John simply said without turning around.

Sherlock walked closer toward John feeling the urge to touch him but restraining himself. ‘I’m sorry’ he said.

John turned around to look at Sherlock ‘Why?’

‘For hurting you’

‘You hurt yourself too. Why are you so down?’

‘I… its best I don’t say John’ Sherlock’s face looked intense at John. He wished he could kiss those lips; he could wrap his arms around him. He felt pain inside he never felt before, an aching, a longing. ‘Oh John’ he suddenly exclaimed.

‘Sherlock I wish you would tell me what’s wrong’ John put his hand on Sherlock’s arm. Sherlock withdrew his arm immediately as if he was stung.

John looked startled ‘Are you alright Sherlock?’

‘No’

‘Will you please tell me what’s wrong?’ John begged Sherlock.

John stood very close to Sherlock and looked him in his eyes. He saw the pain in his eyes and felt for him.

Sherlock hesitated but felt there was no way out anymore; he had to tell John or he would explode inside.

‘I don’t know if I can tell you’ he softly said ‘I’m afraid if I do I’ll lose you as my friend’

‘But Sherlock, that will never happen no matter what you tell me!’ John felt strange, the man he had known for so long felt afraid to tell him something, the man he looked up to really. ‘This has nothing to do with you hating Christmas has it?’

Sherlock shook his head ‘Obviously I don’t like Christmas very much but no’

‘Sherlock, can you tell me?’

Sherlock swallowed hard ‘John, I ehm, I am in love for a very long time now’ he didn’t dare to look at John.

John looked surprised ‘In love with whom?’

‘Oh god John don’t be daft, don’t let me say it’

John just stood there baffled ‘You’re saying… you mean…?’ he pointed at himself.

Sherlock nodded.

‘How long?’

‘Oh well’ Sherlock thought ‘four years? Or is it five now?’

‘What?’ John looked shocked ‘why haven’t you said anything!’

‘John, how many girlfriends have you got now?’ Sherlock smirked.

‘Oh, right yeah’ John thought a moment and looked at Sherlock and back to the grave. ‘That’ he pointed ‘was so very hard for me I thought I died with you. I didn’t want to live anymore without you, I didn’t know how to recover from that how to move on alone and yes I know it has been a long time since than but it has hurt me more than you will ever know. No, let me finish’ he said when he saw Sherlock wanted to say something ‘I know it was necessary I know why you did it, to protect me’

‘Everything I have ever done is to protect you’ Sherlock softly said.

John glanced at him ‘I know that but what amazes me is why you never said this before’

‘There was never any chance’ Sherlock said ‘There was a case, Moriarty, Mary’ he looked sad, this wasn’t at all going as he wanted.

John looked pensive ‘Yes, true’

‘I am sorry John, I see now I shouldn’t have said anything’ Sherlock started to back away, tears filling his eyes, his hopes were so high when John had asked him at first but of course, he should have known better. This was the story of his life. Nobody ever loved him; he was the weirdo, the odd one out, the geek. How could he have ever thought that John would love him back, John with girlfriend after girlfriend and who had been married. He turned around and started to run. He needed to get away. He ignored John calling him. How could he be such a fool!

He ran until his stomach hurt. He looked around to get his bearings and found himself at the bank of the Thames. He saw a bench and sat down feeling tears prick at the back of his eyes. No, he wouldn’t allow it, he hadn’t cried in years so he wouldn’t start now. He sat there head in hands. That went totally the wrong way. He had not only lost his friend but made a total fool of himself. It would mean the end of their partnership probably; John would never want to work with him again.

‘Oh why for god sake’ he yelled and his dark voice echoed over the water.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, he didn’t care. He couldn’t go home. The only place he’d ever felt safe at and he ruined it. There it was; he started sobbing finally, his large hands in front of his face.

A touch on his back startled him; he turned around to see John standing behind him.

‘It’s alright’ John quietly said. He touched Sherlock’s hair, latched his fingers onto Sherlock’s curls. ‘There, there, it’s going to be alright’

John walked around the bench toward Sherlock and sat beside him putting Sherlock’s head against his shoulder while Sherlock kept on crying.

‘I’m so sorry’ Sherlock said wiping his tears away after a while ‘I shouldn’t have told you’

‘I should have reacted differently’ John said ‘but it’s just that place’

‘I’m embarrassing myself’ Sherlock said sniffing ‘I promise I will behave as my old self from now on’

‘I sure hope not’ John said still holding Sherlock ‘I must say I like this version of you. Sherlock, look at me will you, please? I’m sorry I reacted that way; I was worried sick when you walked out like that and I had to search half of London for you. Can we do this over again?’

‘Do what over again?’

‘You telling me that you love me’

‘What’s the point?’ Sherlock wanted to pull away but John held on tight.

‘Because silly, I really wanted to say back in that awful place, that I love you too’

Sherlock looked up surprised ‘What?’

John took Sherlock’s face with both his hands and wiped the last tears away ‘I love you, Sherlock Holmes’

‘Oh god, John, I love you John Watson’

John carefully kissed Sherlock’s lips. ‘Merry Christmas Sherlock’

‘I wouldn’t go that far’ Sherlock raised his eyebrow ‘but the kissing part can we do that a lot?’

John laughed ‘Oh yes, I plan on doing that quite a lot’

‘Good’ Sherlock pulled John closer and wrapped his arms around him; closed his eyes and kissed John long thinking ‘Merry Christmas John’.


End file.
